Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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