YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
this hospital has no fireball
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
