She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
