my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
