You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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