Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
