Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
