I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
