and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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