I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
