I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
