That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
