Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
