i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
