I love black thongs
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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