Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
