Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
