i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
