Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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