I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
