did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
