Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
