ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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