At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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