Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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