nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
