Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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