I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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