sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
