@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
