Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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