so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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