Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
