Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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