First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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