When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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