Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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