You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
