The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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