last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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