my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
