i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
