I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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