i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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