It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize