Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
