3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
