My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
