Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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