I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
