I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
